Welcome to my story!!
Every little girl who is lucky enough to have what is
considered a normal upbringing, idolises their father. And I
was no exception. I had a fairly idyllic, albeit lonely
childhood, growing up on a farm in the rural south west
Long summers, afternoon tea at cricket matches, fish and
chips as a treat, tree houses and playing on the farm,
constituted a normal school holiday for me.
I left home for university at 18, studied, worked and settled
down with good friends and a decent job, which I absolutely
hated with a passion - working in a call centre for a water utility company.
Then one evening, which was very much the same as every evening - a few beers and playing video games with some friends - our phone rang and a female voice asked to speak to my then partner. As I handed over the phone and watched his face as the women on the other end spoke, I knew that something terrible had happened. Something REALLY terrible.
My partner took me into the other room and I just knew that it was about my father. I knew that he'd killed himself. The signs had been there (which were not signs I had the experience nor maturity to acknowledge at that time) and I just felt it - he'd left the movie early.
I flung myself into self-destruct mode and spent the following 10 years, drinking, partying, moving to different countries - anything to try and fill the void inside and convince myself that the next move, the next job, the next beer would make me happy.
But I wasn't happy and there was always something wrong with my life. Always something I desperately wanted to change. My life was actually pretty good! I had money, food, a relationship with someone who treated me well, I was living in Australia in the sun, near the beach, and wanted really for nothing. But like so many others on this planet, I just hated life. I couldn't feel the joy.
When I look back at how I felt, I always describe my grief as a big, black, sticky, toxic ball of sludge which sat in my stomach, sucking the joy out of what was actually a fully joyful life. It blocked my ability to see and feel how good my life was.
Now bare with me, because this is a cliché as it gets. In 2009 I stumbled across the film - The Secret. I watched it, watched it again and I think watched it 5-6 times in one week. Things started to move and shift.
I gained a whole different perspective, and my journey began. The first thing I did was write to my mum. I apologised for running away and not being there for her. She had after all been suffering terribly too. Living in the same house as they'd brought me up in. Suffering the same emotions of guilt and blame as I had.
I started to practice gratitude every day. It wasn't an instant fix - by no means, but my life started to change and before long I wanted, no needed, to go back to where it all began and move home to the UK to face the pain.
As the pieces of the puzzle moved into their correct places, I ended up moving with my partner of over 10 years to a small, country cottage not 2 miles from where I grew up. And knowing that I wanted to help others to find their own peace in the world, started to think about how I could do that.
I had used Homeopathy off and on since 1997 after successfully being treated for an eye infection after doctors could not seem to get rid of it. And I somehow felt drawn to the craft as a means to support people in need.
I ended up studying at the school run by the same Homeopath I had seen all those years before and my life changed even further.
Now, when you begin studying Homeopathy, you're told by your peers to expect your life to change drastically.
Of course when told that, myself and my study mates just laughed it off. Sure, OK! But change it did and all those changes over the last 9 years (at time of writing in 2020) have lead me to (if I dare name it so), my calling.
Let me skip back some years to 2009 when I started my journey of transformation from grief to gratitude. Part of the life plan I scripted for myself was to live in the countryside in the south west, where I grew up, be in a happy and harmonious relationship and to help as many people as I could in some way, to find the joy for life that I had discovered.
As I qualified and went into clinical practice it became clear that the people I was treating, had the same self-destructive lives and traits that I had experienced, before and after I lost my dad. I attracted these people into my life. These people, not to put too fine a point on it had been abused, some were suicidal, some were violent, some were the victims of horrific life experiences, and the collective energy of the pain and suffering, despite the sometimes miraculous, positive changes that happened in their lives after working with me, took its toll and I stepped back from full time clinical practice.
I had my perfect life! I was working from home, earning great money with a company overseas. I had free time, at this point a new and dare I say it, almost perfect relationship and I was still feeling peace and gratitude on an almost daily basis.
I was still treating people with Homeopathy on a part time basis, but kept it to supporting those with injuries, period pains, menopausal issues and the general bread-and-butter issues that most Homeopaths treat daily. But I knew something was missing. I was missing a purpose. Missing a calling.
As the universe so often does, my needs were answered and the cushy, working from home job I had been ticking over in for nearly 12 years came to an end. I had to get back on the Homeopathic horse. I fell into the specialisation of helping ladies during Menopause (you can check out my other website on menopause, here...) and it went well, but it just want's sitting right in my world. My own peri-menopause journey was really only showing its first glimmers, so that despite getting the amazing results that Homeopathy has for menopausal symptoms, I wasn't fulfilling my life's purpose.
A series of events then snowballed in the most amazing way! I did one meditation on finding your life's purpose. I did it and felt nothing. No flash of inspiration. No amazing insight. So, I just left it, thinking I might try again the next day. The next day came and for one reason or another I didn't have the time to do the meditation, but had been chatting with a marketing friend who suggested I hop into a zoom call that was running on bringing more success into your business. So I did. The first layer of snow, coated the ball.
That same evening, I sat in on another marketing meeting and went through the usual thinktank activities, which for me at the time involved my Homeopathic Gardening Group. Once the activity was finished, one of the other group participants just casually dropped in about how they had
changed business direction to help kids who had been through the same experience this person had been through as a child and BAM, the penny dropped.
A spark lit inside me. I KNEW....absolutely KNEW in that instant that I had to share with people affected by suicide the tools and processes I had used so that they could enjoy their lives without shame, blame or guilt!